Harkness – MacGillivray Stories

After Laddie “disappeared”, I had several vivid dreams about him in his afterlife. This is the dream I remember. When I slept that night, I dreamed of Laddie and Poppy again. In fact, it was hardly like dreams at all – it was more like Laddie telling his own life story and how he remembered it:

I watched as the kids ran around the garden this cool Sunday afternoon. Two of them are our family’s kids, Ian and Alistair. There were also several boys their age running around playing Tag. Isn’t this just the best day? The kids were laughing, screaming, and running so fast that it was sometimes hard to see who was who. But that’s not a problem for me. I easily ran up to catch them. They giggled and playfully shrieked as I jumped towards them. More laughter — that just made me feel happy all over. Ian immediately knelt beside me and massaged my head and back and said, “Good boy, Laddie!”  

Afternoons like this are a source of pride to an old dog like me. I have decades of lived experiences already. But as young and active as my mind is, my body seems to have a harder time catching up. I can’t run or jump as fast as I could in my younger days. My joints hurt a bit now, too. These days, when the kids and I go to the park, feisty young dogs would bark at me. Such disrespect for elders! But eh– I don’t mind it that much anymore. What matters more to me is that to Ian, I am the biggest and strongest dog that has ever lived. This boy,  Ian – he loved me the most, and I loved him just as much. 

Of course, I knew that Ian’s image of me wasn’t true. I’m an old dog now, with frail bones and achy joints. And yet most days, Ian’s words can make me forget the strength I already lacked. It gave me courage — perhaps too much courage that even when the neighbour’s vicious dog snarled and picked fights with me, I would snarl back and bite back the fear that made my joints ache and shake. 

The Kids As My Pups

However I may feel, I always acted tough when Ian and Alistair were there. I wanted to show them that even in my old age, I am still here to protect them just as I always did — as I should because to me they are my own pups. I never had my own children, so I just swore to myself that I would stand by them no matter what — whether it may be against a vicious dog like Spike, next door, or even against some sickness that would try to take me away from them.

On regular days, though, standing by them simply means guarding the house from the kennel every night with Poppy. The ‘pups’ always questioned their mum, Miss Rhoda, “Mum, why can’t Laddie and Poppy sleep inside the house inside our room?”

She always answered with the question, “Why do you think Laddie and Poppy are as tough as they are now, huh? Outdoors are good for their health!” 

Nowadays, I don’t feel that tough anymore. But Miss Rhoda is not to blame; it’s just the basic rules of life. Poppy, on the other hand, no matter what age she was – was always a tough old girl.

Laddie and Poppy

I have never met a cat like Poppy, although, of course, I haven’t known that many cats ha ha!  Even with a medium-sized frame, she would majestically strut around the house, as if she was the biggest and tallest one there. Miss Rhoda sometimes called her a medieval princess stuck in the body of a cat. Poppy would roll her eyes at me whenever she heard that, but I know she delights in it. 

I forgot to mention – she is very proud and vain. When she found out that I was writing this story, she said I’d better include a picture of her and Miss Rhoda – and “Remember to put me in the front!” she said. “If you forget to do it you can expect a scar on the other side of your snout to match the one you’ve already got. Because, to tell you the truth, your snout looks pretty lop-sided now!” So I didn’t dare disobey Princess Poppy and include the portrait here of Poppy and Miss Rhoda!

When she was not strutting around or judging everyone, she’d be lounging about or sleeping inside her citadel of pillows in the corner of the living room. I’ve never seen anyone who could sleep and dream as much as her! It must have been good dreams, because she purred contentedly during her dreams. Perhaps she was dreaming of some ‘Puss in Boots’ that would whisk her away to the land where the Bong-Tree grows, feeding her on honey, while singing, “O lovely Pussy! O Pussy, my love,  What a beautiful Pussy you are, you are, you are! What a beautiful Pussy you are!”

On her good days, she would let the kids pet her, side-eyeing them just a little. Ian always enjoyed massaging Poppy’s head and back, which Poppy loves so much even if she hates to admit it. However, on her bad days, she would annoy the ‘pups’ until they pet her so she could feel better. She hated needing their cuddles or needing anyone, but pets have down days, too. 

Lessons from Princess Poppy

Poppy and I have grown old together, even when the only thing we had in common was our love for this family that treated us as their own. Honestly at this point, Poppy had become like an older, irritable sister to me. As such, there are certain things that you will only learn based on, sometimes painful, experiences.

An example is Poppy’s being possessive with her food. That I had to learn through a bleeding snout from her sharp pointy claws just because I tried to taste her food. I have never in my life attempted that again! Poppy taught me how to wait for my own food, and not to try and take the food of others. There’s no chance I’ll ever forget this lesson, because every time I look in the mirror I can see the scar left by Poppy’s sharp claws right across my snout.

I also learned how scared she is of Miss Rhoda after she thoughtlessly pooped in the living room.  Poppy might be tough 99% of the time, but that 1% of ‘not-so-tough’ is now reserved for Miss Rhoda and her broom. 

Ahhh, those were the days my friend! When we used to play and have fun for hours, and all the great things we used to do! I thought those days would never end, we’d fight and never lose, when I was young and always had my way! But now those busy years have rushed by me, and I got older along the way. And now nothing seems to be the way it used to be, I feel lonely now as things near the end. These memories are those I try to recall as my joints have become more painful, my legs weaker, and my stomach heavier. I’ve always known that I was already an old dog, but lately, I’ve started feeling more like it too. 

Where It All Begun

One morning, I woke up with a sharp pain in my stomach. It has started becoming unbearable. I went into the kitchen to hide myself from the kids’ view because I didn’t want them to see me in pain. Poppy was trying to take a nap, but I was too preoccupied with the pain to notice her. I whimpered and lay on my stomach, willing the pain to subside. I might have heard Poppy ask “Bud, you ok?”, but the ringing in my ears was so loud that I couldn’t tell at all. Perhaps it was the sharpness of the pain, but suddenly, I realized how near the finish line was. 

Just as I was starting to feel lonely, Ian came into the kitchen and saw me. He seemed confused to see me lying flat on my stomach but he laughed and said, “Hey, Laddie. Did Poppy pick a fight with you again? Stop feeling so sorry for yourself? Get up and fight back!” Poppy snorted at me and said, “Why are your ‘pups’ always blaming me for everything!” 

So with the little energy I could muster, I stood up. I faked fighting Poppy to appease my pup. But Poppy didn’t feel like being tough today, she just let me do whatever. I pretended I didn’t notice how she was looking at me – seemingly feeling sorry for me. I barked and jumped. I went near her and just nuzzled her neck much to her annoyance. 

And like our usual dynamics, she just shrieked and jumped away. But she looked back at me still with that look on her face and said, “You’re going to be okay, you know?”  But she didn’t sound convinced, herself. 

To lighten up the tension, I said, “Hey, don’t pity me. I’m a strong, old dog. Pity the ones who’ve started forgetting their toilet training.” She cursed at me and left.

Days passed by, and the ‘pups’ continued getting on with their lives. They would still play with us every day, playing the same games, even though these games have become harder for me now. My joints are even weaker now, and my stomach even heavier and more bloated. Ian  would sometimes give me more food, thinking I just didn’t get enough. But each meal makes my stomach worse, so I can only manage to eat a little. 

Poppy has stopped trying to convince me (or herself) that I will get better. Sometimes, you just really know. Miss Rhoda did, too. She has started allowing Poppy and me to sleep in the ‘pups’ room. Now we get to share more hugs and belly rubs with the pups to my delight. Just being able to spend time with Ian and Alistair and hearing their laughter are recharging experiences for me. They have always been such caring and affectionate boys to us that the thought of not hearing their laughter and feeling their hugs again makes my stomach feel even worse, and with a pain I couldn’t pinpoint in my body. Regardless, every game, hug, or nuzzle made the remaining days feel better. 

No More Pain

Today, I woke up without pain. It seems like my stomach has gone numb. It didn’t hurt but I couldn’t feel anything anywhere at all. The signs don’t seem good, so when the ‘pups’ said goodbye to Poppy and me before school, I nuzzled their necks longer than usual and even asked them to give me a belly rub. I wanted to hang on to a few more moments and to remember how good this life feels.  

“What would happen to them when they come home and I’m not here anymore?” I asked Poppy. She was quiet, thinking. I also thought to myself, it would still be better than having them witness my body go limp. Ian, my ‘pup’ who loved me so, would be asking a lot of questions, and Miss Rhoda would have to give satisfying answers to help ease the sorrow that Ian  would feel upon knowing that he would never see me again. 

Poppy finally found the words she wanted to tell me. She said, “They’ll be okay, you know. We’ve loved them for years, especially you. Your hugs could last them a lifetime, and they’ll feel that even when you’re not here. I’ll remind them about you, don’t worry.”

So in my final moments when the pain returned altogether, Poppy stayed beside me as I closed my eyes and whimpered. I held on to the smiling faces of Ian and Alistair, my ‘pups’ in this lifetime. They are still both so young and would have a full life to live. Like Poppy said, they’ll be okay. I am an old dog that has been loved by this family for most of my life. I will be okay. Am I ready to leave all of them behind? Not yet, but eventually.

The Afterlife

“But I’m so confused. You said he had gone away, but now he is asleep. Where is he sleeping, and will he wake up?” 

I woke up to the sound of Ian’s voice. It was not like his usual animated voice when he would tell Poppy and me what he had been doing at school that day. He was still talking hurriedly, but this time more worriedly. 

Miss Rhoda sighed and said slowly, “Ian, putting a dog to sleep means the veterinarian injected him with something that makes him sleep forever.” I wasn’t sure which dog they were talking about, but Ian seemed to be very upset.  

“What does that even mean?” His voice cracked, and his body started to tremble. I barked and moved closer to him, trying to nuzzle his legs to calm him down. But when I did, all I could feel was air. I looked around confused. 

Miss Rhoda hugged Ian  and passed straight through me. She said, “I’m sorry, dear. It means Laddie’s never ever going to wake up again.” 

Ian’s shoulders slumped. He said nothing and just let his mum hug him for a while. He still seemed confused, but he didn’t ask any more questions. And then it slowly sunk in. I remembered everything. 

“Meow,” It was Poppy. Ignoring all the rules of the Animal Kingdom, Poppy nuzzled my leg with her head and I felt it. “I don’t know why you’re here or how. But I’m surely happy to see you again,” she said. 

“I guess it’s not that easy to leave,” I said.

The days passed by and the family tried to carry on with their lives. The ‘pups’ attended school; Miss Rhoda kept the household together, and Poppy stuttered around not her usual majestic self. Only this time, Poppy would quietly stay near me all the time.  

We would sometimes talk about the little things like the noisy neighbourhood kids, or about our ‘enemy’, the neighbour’s rabid dog.  Some days we would reminisce about the ‘good old days’. Sometimes, we would just stay quiet looking at Ian who often sat by the door day after day, waiting for me to come home. Like us, he would sometimes just sit there quietly. At times, he would ask Poppy where I am or what I could be doing now. Of course, Poppy told him that I was in fact, still here, keeping my promise to stay by their side. But it goes without saying that all Ian heard were meows. 

I felt helpless. Unlike before, there’s nothing I could do – no more nuzzles, running around, or fierce barks to assure him that I am always here to protect them. My death broke my heart just as it did theirs. 

Acceptance Stage

One morning, Ian went straight to Miss Rhoda upon waking up. He was holding something behind his back. “Mum, why did you and the doctor whisk Laddie away in secret?”

Miss Rhoda just patted Ian’s head and said, “I’ve told you many times already, Ian. Laddie was already too sick. We sent him to sleep forever so Laddie won’t feel hurt anymore.”

“Okay, mum. I believe you,” he said, resigned.  

He then showed his mum what he was holding, “Can you help me with this? Alistair and I have been making this.” It was a picture of me pasted on a board. They had written the message ‘Miss you Laddie’ at the bottom of the picture.

“Aw, dear,” Miss Rhoda said kissing his head. “Sure. We’ll put it in a frame. He will even have a special place just for him on the dining room cabinet.” Already knowing nothing I could do could reach them, I urged Poppy to give my ‘pups’ extra comforting nuzzles for the day, to which she obliged but not-so-willingly. My framed photo was given pride of place on the dining room cabinet, so that everyone could see me every day at mealtimes. After this, Ian  never questioned Miss Rhoda again about doing what she did. 

Since then, my ‘pups’ felt more like themselves again. After school, they ran around with their friends again. My ‘enemy’ dog next door had even started playing with the kids and their friends in the yard. Ian doesn’t wait for me by the door anymore, but he would often pick some daisies or buttercups to decorate my photo.

I felt lighter and more at peace, that’s why it’s all the more confusing why I’m still here. Poppy would even say, “Don’t tell me I’ll leave earlier than you!” But I didn’t question it as much. I just enjoyed whatever time I had left with the family. 

Laddie’s Letting Go

Ian had just had his eighth birthday on March 16^th and was delighted that he had received a birthday card from his grandmother Morag who lived in Glasgow. However, just one day later, March 17^th, he had come home to another piece of bad news. His mother told him his grandmother had just ‘passed away’. And as expected of Ian, he had his questions like where did she pass to, and when will she return? I held my breath. But Miss Rhoda answered them more directly this time, and Ian seemed to have understood her better than before. I breathed a sigh of relief. 

“I told you. Your ‘pups’ will be okay. Your hugs could last them for a lifetime,” Poppy reassured me. I wasn’t sure the pups could take on even more losses at this point, but Poppy always seemed to think otherwise. She’s right, though, like she always is. Maybe they have grown older, or maybe after my sad story they have matured a little.  

As sad as I felt about not being able to comfort them, I felt reassured that they would be okay. My ‘pups’ are strong and mature. More importantly, they still have Poppy, Miss Rhoda, and the rest of the family.  I trust that they would go on to get whatever life has to offer. They’d have new experiences, new best friends, and new memories. Perhaps they would still be talking about me with classmates, in school work, or even in a memoir, as they reminisce about old times. From the start and until my end, knowing they are happy was what made me the happiest. 

I felt my body slowly feeling lighter and lighter. I was disappearing! I looked at Poppy. She seemed surprised, but not scared, confused but not lost. I broke the silence and said, “I guess it’s finally time – after our nth goodbyes. I’m going to miss you, Poppy. Take care of the family, and poop where you’re supposed to? Okay?” She nuzzled my fading belly and laughed. 

“Goodbye, Laddie. You’re free to run and roam again in the fields in the sky. I’ll see you there.” Poppy’s words were the last things I heard.

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You can read the complete stories here starting with the previous post:

Travel and Pets | Laughter and Nostalgia | Poppy, the Medieval Princess | Laddie, a Man’s Best Friend | Dogs in the Afterlife